My Twitter Coverage of Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service

-Replacement laptop battery just arrived. Called it in yesterday! AppleCare fucking rules!

-Thought people would skip the dress up shit on a day like this. MJ’s memorial is like comic-con but even more depressing.

-All jokes aside, this whole Michael Jackson being dead shit is weird.

-Okay. Show has started.

-Is there really a body in that box? Didnt they have a funeral earlier? When are they gonna put him back?

-How many times is this Pastor Lucius Smith gonna reference “Remember The Time”? This is like Arnold Governator’s RNC speech back when.

-Mariah is doing her thing. Wheres Nick Cannon? Guess they didnt go for his “WildnOut” segment idea. Not a day for jokes Nick (says the jerk).

-Who the F is Trey Lorenz?

-I wonder what Queen Latifah’s rate is for funeral elegies.

-I only joke cause I “can’t process emotion”.

-Is this Maya Angelou thing Latifah is reading supposed to be a poem? It doesn’t rhyme. Someone should tell someone.

-Radio just slipped the most disgusting fart in her sleep. In the middle of a funeral? No regard. None whatsoever.

-Strange as it is, I’m having zero emotional reaction to this. Am I “even human”?

-“Smokey said me too”. Out of context, this line from Berry Gordy’s speech sounds like a line from a Ray Carver story.

-Let’s all grab our crotches and stand on tip toes. Pay respect.

-Well played! RT @justinarmynavy: Bruno just popped out of MJ’s casket wearing a sequined glove on his wang. This time he’s gone too far!

-Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!!!

-Who ever thought Bubbles would outlive Mike?

-Leave it to Stevie to make motherfuckers cry.

-Not me tho. Cause my ass ain’t no pussy.

-What the fuck is Kobe Bryant doing up there? Magic sure, he’s got a deadly disease and he was in the “Remember The Time” video. But Kobe?

-Magic’s MJ/KFC story is hands down the highlight so far.

-Am I the only 1 who finds Jennifer Hudson & everything about her completely boring? Shes not even fat enough to make fat jokes. Whattawaste.

-Twitter concurs. Magic crushed the game. But wait, here comes Reverend Al “Do” Sharpton.

-Well done Rev. Al for saying that to the kids. It may not be true but it was a nice thing to say.

-RT @SenJohnMcCain: I regret the military takeover in Honduras but it’s clear President Zelaya was in violation of his country’s constitution.

-Really @SenJohnMcCain? Yr bringing up ths up now? Dunno if u hrd but were kinda bzy. Dont have time fr yr thoughts on Hndran politics rt nw.

-John Mayer and now Brooke Shields? It’s the white people segment of the program.

-Btw it appears John Mayer fucking sucks in pretty much every way a person can suck.

-Brooke Shields: “I was like what’s up with the glove?” You and me(the rest of the world) both sweetheart. You and me both.

-This is really gonna go on and on isn’t it? Fuck.

-Listen up u beautiful bitches, JermaineJackson came to fuck you up w/ some truth. Cuz he’s certainly not gonna do it with his vocal ability.

-How has Kanye West not crashed the stage yet?

-When does the “Weekend At Bernie’s” part start?

-Prince is a no show. All those hoping for a last bit of http://bit.ly/57RKE are just gonna have to go home unhappy.

-Fuck. The tv says this is gonna go on til 1pm.

-Remaining Jackson bros killing the one glove game right now.

-Great. Now I’m just watching Usher sing sitting down. Time for a weed break.

-Oddly touched by Usher crying.

-Goddam MJ had some pipes. Just got chills from that last JFive clip. First actual reaction! I’m a person after all!

-Speaking of that last Jackson Five clip. Now that I’ve switched back to the laptop: http://bit.ly/z3nbS

-Is this shaheen jafargholi a little kid or an adult lesbian with a pituitary disorder?

-here comes the big finale! “we are the world” performed by a bunch of motherfuckers you don’t recognize.

-he’s popping out of the coffin any second now!! cue the marionette strings!!!

-alright, here come the famous people. now we’ve got a finale on our hands.

-great, a bunch of random kids on stage now. that won’t bring up any loaded associations.

-As a tribute to the late great MJ, I’ll be moonwalking back and forth in front of various elementary schools every day for the next week.

-oh, shit. school’s out? nevermind.

-Appears evryone in staples has blatantly disregarded the no photo/video rule printed clearly on their tickets. shamon you. i mean shame.

-Ok, this is the actual funeral-y part. No jokes for a second.

-Why dont all the jacksonbros have the glove on the same hand? youd think that would be a thing. Also, Janet is wearing gloves on both hands.

-They’re not shiny tho.

-Fuck it. If Marlon’s got jokes then so do I.

-Damn, that shit got real sad at the end there.

-am I crazy, or did he just say “thank you and goodnight”. It is the middle of the day right?

-Here comes Pastor Lucius to drop a few more clever references to MJ’s hits via a few final words.

-“I’m alive and I’m here forever.” Could they have chosen a creepier quote to end with?

-guess that’s all. shamon motherfuckers. sham on…

Notes / 07.07.09 / Permalink