Please Support My First Feature Film “Negative Space” On Kickstarter
And we’re back.
Made A Few Changes
It may be time to change the conversation
It’s been quite some time since I’ve had any interest in this blog. When I first started it two years ago I thought it would be another good way to waste time during the day working at a job I hated so much, I would literally waste time looking for ways to waste time. Partly out of spite, partly out of boredom, and with a little bit of that same sad need for attention that anybody who’s ever joined a so-called social network carries with them, I set off. After all, whether we know it or not, we all want to be heard, and seen, and known. If we weren’t, then who would know we were gone once we finally were.
For a time, I felt the blog meant something to me, served a purpose. It would keep me writing and thinking, keep me connected to things. But like most everything else on the internet, it’s effect was the exact opposite. First I was just writing, assuming that no one was reading it. It was an outlet. I actually wasn’t aware one could have “followers”, could actually see who their audience was, until several months in. I had given the url to friends, but didn’t realize people could actually to subscribe to the blog, and in my case, that they would even want to. And, for the most part, they didn’t. I think at it’s peak, I might have had 80-some followers, which to my understanding isn’t particularly impressive in the world tumblrs and twitters and spacebooks. But I had an audience. And that’s where the illusion begins.
As we gather “friends”, “followers”, and our posts and status updates are “liked” and “re-blogged”, we get the false impression that we’re forging connections with other actual people. But on the internet we’re all characters, punchlines, slogans, forced witticisms and profile pictures. What’s so frightening to me about the concept of “social networking” is that it so quickly become a substitute for being an actual person. Like anything else, when used in moderation, it can serve a purpose. Facebook can be a perfectly acceptable companion to healthy and engaged social existence, Blogs, Twitter, and the like can in the same way live comfortably alongside our actual life pursuits. And this isn’t to say there isn’t good work being done on the internet. Giving the public a voice and an outlet will inevitably reveal a slew of talent that might otherwise have gone unrecognized, but unfortunately, this is an exception and not a rule. By and large, this whole virtual world we’re all living in to one extent or another, is held together by racist Youtube comments, upskirt photos, side boobs, amateurism, solopsism, pretention, ignorance, and of course, hardcore fucking. We give ourselves over to the illusion of connection and meaning, when in fact most of us are more lost than we’ve ever been.
The second I started thinking in terms of writing and posting things that other people would find cool, I fell victim to that illusion. When I saw this, I kind of just gave the whole thing up. And of course, life interceded. I had more important things to do, to think about. I was fired from the aforementioned hated job. I started directing music videos. I lived an exciting life. I stopped directing music videos (or at least I haven’t gotten a job in a while). I convinced myself I’d fallen in love with a girl I hadn’t. I actually fell in love with a girl that wasn’t in love with me. There was some depression. I got a dog. I co-wrote/co-directed a television pilot. With a few skips around the timeline, that brings us to today.
Two things have remained the same: I’m still writing, and I’m still pretty lost. And on this day when Tumblr sent me an entirely empty automated gesture reminding me I’ve been at this for two years, on and off but still, I feel like this space should mean something to me, not that it has to, but it should. It should serve a purpose, be an appropriate companion to an otherwise engaged and active creative and social existence.
So I think it may be time to change the conversation. As a writer, one is often told to write what you know. That advice is as perfectly concise as it is frustratingly vague. There a lot of things I know. I know disappointment. I know what I don’t like. I know I’m not there yet. So that’s pretty much what I’m going to write about here from now on. I’m not entirely doom and gloom but if there’s one thing I’ve never been short on it’s things to say about the shit end of the stick.
So we’ll see I guess.
Two Years Ago I Discovered Just Another Way to Waste Time On The Internet
Tumblr informed that today is my blog’s 2nd birthday.
I don’t even want to think about this, let alone write about it.
M.I.A. samples Suicide, hopes lightnight will strike twice.
The Most Jaunty Song about VD ever